Top 5 Meaningless Holidays

Photo courtesy Associated Press.
People march to celebrate people who go to work. Yippee!

In honor of Labor Day, a meaningless holiday, here are the worst of the worst.  In order to make this list, the holiday must be a federal holiday and cannot be a religious holiday.  The federal holiday mandate eliminates arguably the most meaningless holidays like Flag Day, Valentine's Day, Patriots' Day, Sweetest Day, Secretary's Day, and The Day After Thanksgiving (which my company treats like a real holiday).

With those simple rules set, here we go:

5. Labor Day
It's a holiday created by labor unions to honor the "social and economic achievements of the American workers." What?  Every day an American worker is employed without being fired honors their achievements in society and the world economy.  Every time an American worker is paid, they are being rewarded for their achievements.  Labor Day perpetuates the fallacy that having a job is a right and not a privilege.  Our nation's current economic condition only magnifies that.  Hey, at least it's a day off in a warm weather month.

4. Washington's Birthday/President's Day
Seriously, who cares?  Yes, Washington was an American general and the first president, but what we know about him is more fiction than fact.  This day (not even celebrated on his actual birthday) also lumps in honoring all of our distinguished presidents.  Why should we be forced to honor terrible and corrupt crooks, like Warren Harding and Richard Nixon (worst of those who got caught)?  Also, it's in the middle of February when the only fun thing to do is ski and it just gives ski lodges an excuse to jack up rates.

3. New Year's Day
File this under things I just don't get.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good New Year's Eve as much as anybody (or a good night's sleep, depending on my particular mood on that holiday), but why do we go apeshit over the beginning of a new year?  January 1st is no different than December 31st.  The only differences are the numbers contained in the year portion of the date and the fact that you are one day closer to your death.  Why would I want to celebrate either of those things?  Why must I be forced to celebrate those two things???  Also, the price gouging in every restaurant/club/hotel/airplane around New Year's Day is the worst of the year and it comes in the dead of winter.  Thanks a lot jackasses.

2. Christmas Day
No, I am not violating my own rule on no religious holidays, but I'm listing it here because there are no religious aspects of Christmas any longer.  Christmas is all about radio stations playing special music starting the second week of November and people trying to out-do each other with gifts.  It's disgusting and is treated the same by many people and companies (mine included) as The Day After Thanksgiving.  Christmas does not celebrate the birth of Jesus, it signifies the day Frosty the Snowman gave an outcast reindeer some crack, which turned his nose red and led Santa Claus through the fog so he could deliver toys to all non-homeless children.  That's what all the songs and commercials tell me.  Also, the ugly sweater parties are stupid as hell and if you ever see me at one, you'll find a suicide note in my pocket.

1. Columbus Day
Christopher Columbus is the least significant historical figure in the history of the United States.  Do you know how significant he was to the exploration of the United States?  He never even set foot into what is now the United States.  So why do we honor him?  For pure political reasons.  Benjamin Harrison simply wanted votes from the ever increasing immigrant Italian and Catholic population.  Harrison's desperate move for votes did so well that he lost to the guy voters had just voted out of office a couple years before.  Now, we have to spend multiple days in grade school learning about an explorer whose best "exports" were disease and slavery, instead of learning about Native Americans or explorers who actually shaped the United States and our nation's history.  Why not have a Ponce de Leon Day or a Lewis & Clark Day?  Since it's such an important matter in the Columbus Day proclamations, the powers that be can keep the Catholic vote by honoring more worthy explorers Jolliet and Marquette.  It just doesn't make any sense to be forced to honor Columbus.  Even though he brought us some great movies (and some bad ones), he doesn't deserve his own holiday.